Dearest,

We’ve had a good few days, haven’t we? You do things, love, that melt my bones. Every night I leave out a pink hanger and a blue hanger, with the kid’s clothes to wear the next day. I find that it saves time for the next morning, and when you are the one that has to start them out it makes things easier for you.

Last night I took One in their room to get him ready for bed, and saw that you had hung their PJ’s on their hangers after undressing them that morning. That you, who piled his clothes in teetering towers in our room, would do that…and they were perfectly hung, all the zips and buttons done. It is small things like that, where you show your care and attention, that make me adore you.

I love the way you love your children. You talk to both of them as if they were your peers, but with infinite patience and sweetness. You smile at them and they smile back at you, delighted.


Things have been very good since Monday. The change in our dynamic since I thought about MD has been fundamental. I no longer react to your barbs with pained expressions or anger, and you seem to regret them the moment they come out. You are gentler with me, like you were before. I don’t know how long it’ll last – having dealt with depression much of my adult life I know that it sneaks up on you unawares, that the clouds gather suddenly and completely. But now I think I know how to counter it. For the first time in many, many months – I’d even say years, I feel like I have some power over the situation. Not over you – I don’t even want that – but I have power to do something to help us.

I made you one of your favorite foods last night, without making a big deal about it. You were so happy! I’ve worked out a new work schedule that lets you get more sleep at night and more work done during the day, and you are so much happier. Your triggers are stress about work and your dissertation, and anything I can do to make things easier for you there helps. I’m beginning to realize that you need help in different ways than I do. Where I am ecstatic if I get to take a nap in the afternoon or watch a movie, for you peace of mind equals finishing a paper, running a model. So telling you to take a break and lighten up doesn’t help at all, but only adds to your stress. Making sure you have time, and hot tea to drink, and a snack now and then, and uninterrupted time, even if it’s just an hour – THAT helps.

I feel like a fool that it took me so long to see it. I love you so.