Dearest,

There's a blog I read fairly frequently, it has great parenting advice written by a woman called Moxie. Her advice to parents is usually equal measures of common sense and kindness. Recently, however, some of her readers took her to task for not answering one of her questioners kindly enough. I agree with Moxie that a tough-love approach was needed, and that is exactly what she did.
But that's not the point I am trying to make here.

If you read further down on the comments on that controversial post and its responses, there is a comment from a woman called Hedra, who does not have a blog, but should, or should consider co-authoring with Moxie. She wrote, in response to one of Moxie's critics: "I think everyone is entitled to have a bad day. Moxie's human. If it sounds uncharacteristic, trust that."

I've been mulling that over ever since. In my case, I am ready to excuse uncharacteristic behavior in my friends because I know them, and know that something must be going on that makes them act that way. And, sure enough, they all return to their usual behavior, soon enough. But the night before last, as you finally lay sleeping by my side after hours of non-stop anxiety and thinly-veiled aggression, I had (I think) an epiphany. Why haven't I been willing to do the same for you? Why is it that I have taken this behavior, which is very uncharacteristic of the grace and gentleness you have shown fro over a decade, as indicative of your turning into a jerk, or coping badly with what life has thrown at us?

Why didn't I give you the same benefit of the doubt that I would give my friends and, indeed, mere acquaintances? It was at that point that I began to think of your behavior over the past few months, since Two's birth, as highly uncharacteristic. I also reflected that the cyclical nature of your behavior and reactions might have a very different origin. What if it was depression? But you didn't seem sad. But what if male depression manifested itself differently? I googled male depression and, sure enough, the symptoms are different than for women, and they fit you to a T. Agression, need to cotrol everything, lack of interest in sex or usual hobbies, all things that are as far from the real you as can be.

Suddenly I began to think of you without resentment but with compassion and even admiration. If THIS is what has been going on with you, my love, then you have done an incredible job of forging ahead. I have been depressed and gotten treatment for it, while you have been keeping your head above water all by yourself. That is why I made you breakfast again, instead of letting you eat whatever whenever. That is why although you were incredibly rude to me last night (as you are almost every day) I still hugged you once you were asleep. And you seem to respond to that, to love and care. Which is yet another indication of what is going on.

Now if only I could find a way to get you to see a doctor.